reflection 7

Looking back on my last few reflections, I realize that it may seem like I'm in a constant state of identity crisis. I promise, that's not actually the case.  I do, however, want to be honest with myself as I go through my own learning process. These reflections have become a great place to sort my thoughts.

Let me preface this. All I have ever wanted to do my entire life was be a stay-at-home mom. Big careers have never attracted me, because in the end, I know all I want to do is raise a family. That's one of the major reasons I was attracted to teaching as a major.  Good benefits, my hours would line up with my kids' hours, weekends, holidays and summers off... Teaching has been my safe fall back. My just-in-case-insurance-policy if you will. In all honesty, if I had my way, I wouldn't teach for more than five years.

With that intro, I think we're ready to begin.

Capture:

I observed John Moss' classroom this last week, and my experience was nothing short of incredible. 

Class began simply enough, he welcomed the students, followed up with their homecoming weekend, and then began dissecting an old highlight reel with them. After, he and the class discussed areas for improvement. Technically this guy was good, but beyond that, he was flat out inspiring. I just don't know how else to put it. He gave this pep talk of sorts as he sent the kids to begin their work, and It was evident that Mr. Moss really cared that his students become the best that they can be. 

 Mr. Moss gave us a tour of his studio and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The set-up, the equipment, the classroom management, the product, the skills, EVERYTHING had me floored.  They even had their own server. I still can't get over that. Anyways, I digress. 

He let us in on the story of how the program came to be what it is. With 15 years of hard work, he built his program from the ground up, and what he's done is remarkable. At one point in our discussion, an administrator came in to ask a favor. She related her sincere concern that when Mr. Moss retires, they will literally have to hire 3 people to replace him. After seeing all that he does, she wasn't kidding!

The more he showed us around, the more I thought to myself how much I would love that kind of career. Creating and nurturing such a successful program would be immensely rewarding, and I believe its within my capabilities. Mr. Moss' classroom had me completely mesmerized. 

I know, by this point in my reflection you were wondering where the crisis comes in....Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

As I drooled over Mr. Moss' studio, a thought caught me completely off guard, "Am I really willing to give all of this up?"

Building a program, relationships with the community that span generations, being such an integral part of a school, inspiring students daily.... Am I willing to give that up should I have the opportunity to be a full-time homemaker? That particular concern isn't one that hits me often, so I was truly startled. 

As a reflex,  I countered that thought with, "Of course! Who are you kidding? In a heart beat." Throughout the next couple of days, I mulled over this conflict repeatedly. Would I really be willing to give up teaching?

Analyze:

My lifestyle is currently the same as probably most BYU students. I go to school full-time, have two part-time jobs, volunteer weekly, spend lots of time with my family, have a calling, and am dating someone. Down-time can be pretty hard to come by during most weeks. Though all of these opportunities are wholesome and rewarding, often I worry that I tend to stack too much on my plate until all I can offer each opportunity is a half-hearted attempt.  And for right now, my crazy, busy, fast-paced lifestyle is fine, because all I have to worry about is me, and for now I can be as selfish as I want.

But... I don't want to live my entire life like that... always racing against the clock to my next appointment, or feeling like I can't give my whole heart to anything because I'm too spread thin. Especially when it comes to family and motherhood. I'm not saying that working outside the home means that you are unable to fulfill your role as a mother. I get that many homes have working moms either out of necessity or choice. Finding a balance is possible, and it works for many families.  I however, don't want that path for me and my family.

I would love to give my whole self to teaching. But I want to give myself to family more.

Action: In the end, we'll see what happens. If I end up having a career,  at least I'm far enough into this program to realize that I love teaching. If not, then not. I'm not sure that this kind of post is exactly what you're looking for in a weekly reflection, but it is a truthful representation of my personal reflections this week. So there you have it.